I’m Quitting Photography (as a job)
Yep, you read those words correctly.
After a lot of time and consideration, I have decided to part ways with this significant chapter of my life. Photography has treated me beautifully, it’s opened up many doors of opportunity over the years and connected me with some of the most one of a kind human beings. I danced between obsession and resentment with it, but the last couple years found so much gratitude and admiration for what it gave me.
The reason why I’m quitting is because for the last two years photography has been the creative vehicle for providing space for others. It’s the outlet I utilized for helping people. Rendering them into a state of vulnerability and acceptance through creation. What I realized was, it has never been about what I do and always about who I am. I put my photography– my business on such a pedestal. It got to a point where photography was beginning to get in the way of the true meaning of what I do; coaching. It’s very difficult juggling the emotional avenues of coaching and the time consuming process of photography. It got to a point where I would low-key be annoyed when people booked me strictly for photos and not for the experience. I understand that not all gigs will be ideal, some things you do just for money but this has weighed on me for a while.
I never fully resonated with the title photographer because deep down I always knew I was more than that. I knew I was more of a healer. I knew that imagery was how I told the stories of those before me. One thing is for certain it has never been just about the photos, it’s always been about the meaning; vulnerability and authenticity. Another reason why I’m strongly dissimilar with boudoir photographers. I’ve always cared less about the “luxury experience”, the version that feels more like you’re playing dress up with your confidence. I’m drawn to the rawness of humanity and going deep beneath the surface.
This fall would mark ten years that I’ve been shooting. I started fresh out of high school (literally four months after). I was an angsty teen who felt invisible in school, photography was the awakening to a whole new world. I was a seventeen year old living in London England for the summer alongside my sister, I met phenomenal artists from all around the world and realized I could be something more. I discovered a whole new way to express myself and connect with others. Deep down I always felt more in love with the experience of creation and connection than I did with the craft itself.
So this day was inevitable from the very beginning. During my hiatus from photography I reignited my love for sensualism and began to heal my relationship with my femininity. So I was able to return from a significantly healthier standpoint but still, my mission for healing and connection was stronger more than ever. Photography may have been the focus visually, but it never was literally. The emotional, the somatic and the vulnerable are the pillars that my pursuit has been built on. Letting go of this part feels only natural despite its initial discomfort. It has been my safety jacket for the past decade. It gave me a sense of security when it came to navigating this capitalistic world. It’s a career that people take more seriously than other art forms because it’s so necessary commercially.
If I were to tell people what I was truly passionate about I feared receiving judgment. Speaking, sensuality, human connection– how I express and achieve this. The world we live in believes they thrive on the hustle culture, everything is numbers and instant gratification. I feared not being taken seriously due to the way my dreams were deemed as irrelevant back in high school. Photography felt like something I could prove by showing how visually good I was at something and hearing the praise only encouraged me to stay in the category I felt familiar with albeit not resonating with the title in a soulful way.
Since the beginning of the year, I’ve had to say a lot of goodbyes, and this is one of the many that are taking place. I’m letting go of an identity. Reminded of the love for my solitary passions such as writing & dance. I’m following the power of my voice and all that it’s capable of. I never needed a camera to make someone feel seen. The feeling which is shared with an individual, that’s the purpose of it all.
I’m letting go of the validation that has influenced my relationship with this craft. The validation that has influenced my relationship with self portraiture. It’s been deeply healing to see myself from my own perspective, and to find peace within my physical form. This has been the magic of this intimate practice. Fine art nudity is empowering on a number of levels. But something I’ve come to terms with, is I don’t find this as empowering for myself as I once did. I used to be a girl that felt at odds with her body, and seeing myself naked through the eyes of artists alongside my own helped me find self acceptance. I’m always going to love this form of expression, but I don’t desire to have images of myself naked all over the internet anymore. Granted, what’s already there is there and I have zero shame in what I’ve created. It was a great experience to find liberation from this, but I’ve surpassed that stage. I feel the need for more privacy, to encompass the sacredness of my body fully. Taking photos entirely for myself again, and not for the dopamine rush of people praising me or because I have to monetarily.
It is when I log off social media for a number of days that I acknowledge how strongly this platform has impacted my art. I don’t want its hold over me anymore. I want photography to always be a part of my creative arsenal, but I don’t want it to be my job anymore.
What does this mean going forward? For the time being I’m focusing on healing and nurturing my inner world. Doing the things that bring me peace and excitement. Being present. I’ve been in need of this long awaited break. For my business, I guess you could say I’m rebranding. Coaching, writing & speaking is my center. As I make this transition, photography shall be an add-on option for limited clients.
I want to renew my relationship with photography, enjoying it entirely as a hobby, no longer seeing it as my life’s purpose (because honestly, it never truly was).
I want to support other photographers that I’ve met during this journey, to be a cheerleader for the artists whom I adore. I want to enjoy photography for what it truly is. By releasing it, I can appreciate it once more.
I thank everyone who’s worked with me over the last ten years, to those who’ve believed in me, and those who’ve shared space with me. You’ve made everything worthwhile. I hope to continue inspiring and encouraging you through literature and honoring the truth of our collective vulnerability.
To express myself fully and let the wonders that await me come into fruition.
This chapter may be closing, but a new one is just beginning.
As that cliche song by Natasha Bedingfield goes.. “the rest is still unwritten” 🌹